Saturday, October 15, 2005

21

Looking back on it, I could have done it a hell of a lot easier, but neither you nor I have time for that shit.

It all started an hour before everyone wakes up in the morning 3 days ago when the telephone rang and woke everyone up. I answered it because I really didn't want to hear the answering machine beep every 10 seconds telling me there was a message waiting but hey the caller may not have wanted to leave a message so shut up. The caller represented the new local government and we were being told to evacute because someone had put the Konami code into the reactor too fast and was causing the meltdown, but that's not when the real trouble started. You see, they didn't want me or anyone else to know the truth.

Everyone has 30 lives now or full weapons and shields, depending on where you were standing at the time.

"I'm staying. Fuck you. I have the advantage."

My neighbors were packing their meaningful things in their vehicles when I finally gave a shit enough to look out the window. Soon the neighborhood would be vacant and I...I would wander the streets with the intention or breaking into everyone's home and urinating on the bed sheets.

I would die 60 years later after accidently slitting my wrists on a can of potted meat.

Monday, October 03, 2005

20

Old friends may come and go, but enemies fucking do nothing but piss me off with these idiot autobiographical movies they make about me. Most of them aren't even close to being true. Out of the 37,000 movies that came out last year, 35,000 were about me and even 31,000 of those portrayed me as a hero when all I've done in my life is pick three names out of the phone book and annoy those people until suicide was contemplated.

I received my award for being the giant asshole of the earth, and waited until the auditorium calmed down before I spoke. I waved everyone down into their seats.

"Ladies, gentlemen, people who aren't sure. Yeah"

With that, I took my award and left the stage, bypassing the lovely meat and cheese trays donated by the same people who voted for me to have this award.

Nah, I didn't think it was very ironic either.