Thursday, July 28, 2005

18

Straight from the surreal boxes of whole grain goodness came a flood unbeknownst to those who cared enough to send the light on for you.

Yeah. It took me that long to think of that. Here's what really happened.

I finally found the door out. Unfortunately, so did everyone else, and I was caught in a sea of people just like me, telling the tales of their own worlds which were so different from everyone else that it all blurred into a mess that I was going to be goddamned if I was going to clean up anytime soon, you motherfucker.

I called a doctor friend of mine for advice but found the phone didn't have a dial tone, but had a 12 year old girl screaming on the other end, "CAN'T!" If I tried to speak, that would only piss off the guy behind me wearing the long coat and no shoes, and we all know what the fuck is on HIS mind. I'll tell you what it is. I don't know.

I finally woke up behind the wheel of a semi still smoking from the impact it made 3/4 up aisle 7 of the local grocery store. Looking in the side view mirror brought on a small comfort knowing nobody in this fucking town was having anything from this store today because, well, you sorta can't just walk into a store anytime soon after a goddamn semi drives into it, now can you?

I was pulled from the semi by a mob of angry intelligent people wondering why the hell I hadn't took out a famous celebrity from 300 yards out with a high powered rifle in such a long time. I never thought about it until then. It had been a while, but hey, I figured some other motherfucker would at least pick up my slack while I was away, but no. I can't depend on anyone, and this sure as shit didn't please the producers when they went to write the next episode of my reality show which airs whenever something interesting happens in my life which hasn't happened since they took the color red off the air.

That's where I'm at right now.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

17

A month or so later, the whining of the children as well as the waning of the moon and the waxing of the floor caused me to complete lose it and install martial law in the universe. But ever since they made a video game about it, I was sued for ripping off the company.

Where have you been?